[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
That’s incredible! 👌
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.