[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
This is why I hate group projects
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf