The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”