*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
You Might Also Like
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*