Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*