I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If a snake ate a cake
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*