I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]