All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single