[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
You Might Also Like
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.