My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
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10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?