[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
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If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Smells like a challenge to me
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?