Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
How it started How it’s going
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.