“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.