My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?