what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
WHY?!
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
put ‘er there pardner!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.