Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct