My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
classic mixup
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.