Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.