I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Just a reminder, folks:
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way