My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You Might Also Like
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Simple
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.