[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
If only.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please