* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.