my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Customer is always right
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves