bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.