Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.