I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
no!! no!!!!!!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”