Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?