Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
where the womens at?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”