Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’m being attacked 😭
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS