I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.