The Person Who Discovered Sharks
You Might Also Like
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Cats are still liquid.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*