[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
You Might Also Like
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no