I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Teach your children to beatbox
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world