Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Catering service
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan