Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
thank god
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die