Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
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Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
2 years later
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”