5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.