Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
*looks at you in batman voice*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.