Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
You Might Also Like
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.