SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
It do be feeling this way.
A short story of betrayal:
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.