I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Cat is stressing him out.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|