Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Not all heroes wear capes…
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol