Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it