I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat