Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.