Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’ll be mad as hell!
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?