John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
me adding lol on a serious message
Yup
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.