Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.