[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
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Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
This is not me but this is me
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
when dads have a rap battle