My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking